ELON WANTS TO CATCH HIS GIANT METAL DILDO
The billionaire is attempting to play a high-stakes game of catch with a skyscraper-sized rocket.
OH LOOK 🔭 🚀 ELON MUSK-RAT 🐀 🧀 IS AT IT AGAIN 🙄 💅 HE WANTS TO CATCH HIS MASSIVE 400-FOOT 📏 🏗️ METAL DILDO 🍆 💦 MID-AIR LIKE A FUCKING BASEBALL ⚾ 🧤 GLOVE 🧤 🧤 ON FRIDAY THE 13TH 📅 👻 BECAUSE APPARENTLY 🙄 💅 THE LAWS OF PHYSICS ⚛️ 📉 ARE JUST SUGGESTIONS 🤷♂️ 🤡 FOR THE TECH-BRO 💻 👨💻 OVERLORDS 👑 🤴 AT STARBASE 🤠 🚀 WE ARE TALKING ABOUT A DUAL-CATCH 👯♂️ 🏗️ OF THE SUPER HEAVY BOOSTER 🧨 💥 AND THE STARSHIP UPPER STAGE 🛸 🌌 USING GIANT MECHANICAL CHOPSTICKS 🥢 🥢 🥢 IF THIS WORKS 🛠️ ⚙️ WE ARE ONE STEP CLOSER 👣 🪜 TO COLONIZING MARS 🔴 👽 AND LEAVING THIS BURNING 🔥 🌍 DUMPSTER FIRE 🗑️ 🔥 BEHIND ✌️ 💨 BUT IF IT FAILS 💥 🧨 IT IS JUST ANOTHER EXPENSIVE 💸 📉 FIREWORKS SHOW 🎆 🎇 FOR THE INTERNET 🌐 💻 TO GIGGLE AT 🤭 🤡 WHILE THE FAA ✈️ 👮♂️ SWEATS BULLETS 💦 😰 OVER THE AIRSPACE ☁️ 🚫 LONG LIVE THE CHAOS 🌪️ 🚩 🚀 🛰️ 🦾 🦾 🦾
What's actually happening
SpaceX is preparing for the 15th test flight of its Starship rocket, currently targeted for November 13, 2026. The mission aims to achieve the first-ever dual recovery of both the Super Heavy booster and the Starship upper stage by catching them with the launch tower's mechanical arms. The flight is pending final regulatory approval from the FAA.
Read the real reporting
Everything in the rant above is satire and should be treated as such. The summary and links are here so you can read the original reporting — and decide for yourself.
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